weekend

WOW. this weekend is crazy...
i dont even know where to start. so friday i went to class in the morning. my one and only class that day, freakin waste of gas. so after that i wanted to see if debbie is working so i can visit her. but thats not till 6 at night. so i was like what to dooo what to dooo.
I ended up calling kevin cause ive been thinking,and i guess i was ready to talk three days after that incident. O_O..im indecisive and my mood is always changing dflsdjf lsdfjsldjf. haha so i found out that he was with debbie and matt at ikea when i called him so deb texted me saying ";]" haha! betch... so i picked him up infront of matt's house then we went allll the way to chino so i can see his new house.

anyway...i seriously have misinterpretation problems. i think? what i got from him before was that he doesnt want to be with me anymore at all. EVER. so i have set my mind of "never going to happen at all " so after the past few weeks ive been trying to just move on, forget about it. and that day i seriously did not expect anything.

then suddenly while we were in his room he goes "hey, do you think there will ever be an "us" again?"
so i was like wtf? uhhh idk...i really dont know.
so he explains to me what he meant the last time we talked, and he meant that he wanted to wait a little bit longer.
then he gets closer and closer and hugs me. and it all came down cause im weak like that. atleast when it comes to him.
i didnt mean that thie whole scenario was bad, i meant it in a good way.
i dont know how this will turn out but im really happy right now. seriously i am. :]
we talked about things that went wrong and how to make it better. it seems to be much better now.
like ashley said "just take it as it is" so i did, i let go of everything that happened before and start new :]

SO later that day i hung out with ash. went ot huntington to eat at this japanese place. its pretty cool, you get to cook your own meat in a bbq pit int the middle of your table. i guess its different from t hose korean bbq places. BUT the highlight of that restaurant was our drenching hott server hahahh. he was soooo hottt. he has that smile that just makes you nervous lmao. he kneels down to on the floor so he can talk to us face to face. omg sooo cuuutee and polite. we left our numbers after and wrote "CALL ME!" hahah, he never called :[ lol

more things happened but im too lazyyyy so tootles for now yall

i really

FEEL LIKE SCREAMING MY LUNGS OUT!

seriously leave me the eff alone! this is hard enough for me, just pretend that nothing ever happened between us.



ill talk to you in a year or something.

i hate technology

so yesterday was an overall good day. went to history class ACTUALLY in time haha. read and took notes for music during the hour break. went to sociology class and realized that im way ahead of that class and i don't have to read for a while cause i took notes when i read the chapter. in that class, we were asked to get in groups and answer questions:

Are people born gay, alcoholics or criminals?

i was like wtheck, uh ok lemme think
i think that people are not not meant to be born gay, yet are predisposed to be gay kind of like his/her destiny. However, some people choose to turn gay because they feel like they can relate more to the opposite sex since most similar genders have the same general ideals for a spouse? mate? idk.. haha think about bisexuals they don't pick according to gender, but according to the connection..atleast that's what i think? and some people turn gay because of the way they grew up and where they grew up.

i think that no one is born as an alcoholic, it really a person's choice to drink or not. to quite or not. some people in my class said that people who have an alcoholic blood line are more vulnerable to be alcoholics, i guess that can be true since technically someone said that their bodies crave and can easily depend on alcohol than others.

i dont think people are born criminals either. people are naturally born to be greedy in order to survive (survival of the fittest), but that does not necessarily mean that they will commit a crime. they can show competition through other routes like competing in school, work, etc.. better education = a better and more set life (my own opinion). i think that committing a crime also depends on what a certain society considers a crime..someone can kill a dog in one and not get in trouble and in the U.S. its cruel and you can go to jail. committing crime also depends on your environment if you were raised in poverty or not,if your parents spent more time with you, if you hang out with the right crowd, and if you have a strong will...

yeahhhh i got too carried away with these analysiseseseses.

ANNYWAYYY. went to music class and went home.and lemme tell you how much i hate texting. well not texting, it actually when people text too much in general. it irritates me when:
1. people text while youre having dinner, so rude
2. people text while youre talkin to them
3.. people text at special events and that's all they do the whole time.
4. people text each other in the car while youre driving
and more..

its sooo rude! whatever happened to actually enjoying other people's company? please only text when you need to. ugh

fsgdfg

Wow haven't blogged in a while...
had alot of fun things since spring semester stared. some guy in my history class thought i was cute and asked me out but i wasnt really interested to i told him i had a bf. haha?have a bio teacher who knows about the "dick in the box song" hahah, went clubbing yesterday with debbie and liana, and my friend AJ was there too! how random! got us in for free XD yay! danced with a tall black guy whose croch was on my back while he was dancing, REALLY awkward and weird. hahah. well, aj had her friends with her too and i met this boy, and how can i forget his name?! he was really cute, atleast i think so. XD hehe. aj told me to dance with him but it was weird since she told me that like right infront of his face. liana's ex was there too haha everyone was there! it was weird. i saw some walnut people toooo O_O it was asian night or something hahah. he dances really well,O_O team millenia performed and hung out there which was awesome! THEN, some titie contest came on and all the boys were like YEAHH!! while all the girls were hating hahah. poor debbie fanced with a 25 year old drunk filiipino who supposedly has a child ? LOL! and i danced with franz'z cousin? who was a good dancer but had a tent....O_o. talkin about this makes me feel like im still in highschool. there some old fart white girls there. and one was totally drunk and started babbling to me in the bathroom cause she thought i cut her off in line while going in the bathroom! wtheck?!

hmm what else, oh! went to the beach on such a perfect day with matt, that was fun :]

anyway, I've been through alot since the last time i blogged here.
broke up with my bf almost 2 months ago for something thats not my fault... felt like a fool. like a realllll idiot...realized that whoever will put me through the same thing does not deserve me.But then again, i keep on telling that to myself and i still keep on coming back.. like a stupid dumbass. all my pride was seriously thrown away down the drain, and i felt powerless, hopeless, and again, very stupid. i just cant believe that i did all that shit. i didn't get the type of apology i wanted either...
NOW..im moving on, trying to get busy.. its sad to say that all i can do now is hate him..i hate him so much. Id rather feel that hatred than hold on to something that will never be....i. am. such. a. loser... a loser for a fucken loser... he seriously pissed me off that day he sat where i sat in sociology class. its like wtf are you doing?! he looks at his friend with an "awkward look" and i wanted to punch his face. seriously wtf was he doing?! wth did he expect ?! why would you sit on the table ive been sitting on for the past month?! attention whore.

ugh no more dumb boys. who does shit cause "everyones doing it"..seriously weak.

i saw a concert with matt today at fullerton. it was soooo interesting. it hought it was gonna be boring since its like a choir concert that i just needed to go to for my music class, but it was pretty fun :]. then p90, and i felt like crap cause i felt so lazyyy..ssdjfjlskd
im tired. time to shower and sleep. tootles!

Turn around

WOW..sp my life practically chnaged in one week. I GOT MY LISCENCE BWUAHAHAHHAAHAHAH BWWWUUUAHAHAHAHAH!! haha. new freedom ehhyyy? i dont know why i waited till im 18 to get my liscence. i guess i just didnt feel the need to drive before until my senior year. O_O. yeah im weird like that. I was pretty much content with how it was before. :], I got a laptop today too. Feels like a new beginning....:]

Anyway, yesterday i spent some time with my friend ashley. It was pretty cool, knowing that i drove my car :D haha. so we went to pho, then this really cool korean market. She bought me a really cute domo key chain for my car keys XD and i still cant stop looking and playing with it haha.She bought one of those thingies you hang on your phone. It looks exactly like a piece of bread. O_o really.hahhah i would like to have one but my phone does not have one of those special hanging compartments. sigh sigh sighh. oh well haha. Then visited debbie at her work, then went to go get gas for the first time myself. O_O haha "oh its going now,,,wait whyd it stop, oh its going! wait no..-_- uhhh" hahah. Then to the mall and just browsed around. Then went back to chino hills to drop her off, but went to the park nearby first. It was pretty chill, a little catch up. (ketchup? HAHA). pretty peaceful at that park ...pretty niceee

So i was supposed to hang out with my bf after. We talked on the phone at like 7 00 ish at night and he said that he would take a nap first since he was tired from work THEN he'll call me and were gonna hang out. So i waited...and realized it was 10 PM so i was like..."again"...Sighhh. oh well. I called him but he didnt answer. I guess it just makes me feel sad that he could wake up to his alarm to go to work but not for me.....

So i ended up picking up vivian at 12 30 and thats when my bf finally woke up to call me...he just woke up...oh well i told him that i was picking up vivian and he sounded all emo probably thinking whyy im hanging out with her when We were supposed to hang out. Well i called, and he didnt answer and plus he didnt give me a time so i figured we'd just hang out the next day. I've been going with his schedule this whole time, and now that i get my own, he gets all sad about it..now he knows how i feel but mins is like time 3890248 times., then we went to debs and hung out infront of her house. THEN haha vivian and I went to seven eleven since she said she was starving. And took her back home at like 1 30. Then bf calls me againnasking if i could pick him up at his friends house (since he walked there cause his car was blocked, and he argued with his mom cause she followed him around O_o...ya) So i hurried o pick him up. We went to my house and he told me all about it. I didnt want to scold him about all the stuff that he had done that night..or in correction that stuff that he didnt do that night..but i decided to let it go..since he just had a huge arguement with his mother.. He slept over..and i dont know\. It was different..in a good way. Call me a fool but i think he finally realized that he has taken me for granted. Now that im not always around waiting for him all the time. Yet i still manage to still be there right away when he needs me...Sound crazy? maybe. hahah whatever im crazy..

No more logic.

Well so far it seems as if things with me and kevin got better today? I cant really make any logical explanation as of why I am doing the things that i am at this point...Maybe all i can say is, once the ugly truth is out, the fear of hurting someone you love with your honest feelings start to disappear. I guess this honesty is really better than sincere lies, and careful wording towards someone who you know loves you. I have noticed a more laid back us...no going around the bushes to say any thoughts no matter what they are and I like that. Why couldnt it be like this before? really... My close friends all say that i deserve someone better, and i know that, but i really have thrown all my logic out the door, well most, i still have some left? haha. Yeah, im not scared anymore to really say and show how i feel even if it gets him mad or sad...it makes things easier to let go..It makes forgive and forget become such a little task for me, and it seems like for him as well. It makes the weight on my shoulders lighter...
So all i can ask is, what is really left? What am i to do with the oh so complicating "i love you but not in love with you?" What am i doing here? I dont know anymore. Id rather let things disappate than let go all of a sudden and suddenly want the person back right away...

ANYWAY, went to the orientation that i didnt need to go to. Met people, but i shouldve taken some numbers -_- guess that wasnt on my mind. Im excited for school XD. I want to work on campus so im going to look at it tomorrow, or maybe even after this. heehee. Hey it makes life easier right? Plus you get to meet people that can become your future bff hahah (paris) or someone that can come in handy and dandy in the future. Im excited to drive, to move out (if i am *crosses finger* stupid financial aid is being weird).. weeee! Just cant wait to really be out there. Joined the volunteer organization csuf and found out about this hospital that goes to mexico monthly to help medically, and i sooooo want to do it! Ive been wanting to do this type of stuff but i dont know where to start. And i get to go to the gym for free, noice! screw 24 hour fitness!! haha. The scavenger hunt was really tiring but my team ended up not winning :[. oh well. but guess what?! We had a raffle and suf gave away different types of prizes and shananigans, and while there were at it i told my bf that "iim the most unlucky person in the world", they called my name O_o HAHA. I got to get gift certificates for rubios and golden spoom, a clock thing? a hat and a little booklet with a pen? anything free is good right? lol. I also won a tshirt XD. And this is getting too long....so i wont say anymore.


TAH TAH

it ends where it began

Nice picture huh? This is me and my boyfriend today. It can really be deceiving ta first glance...normal happy couple taking a happy picture together. But underneath this picture comes sadness, and a relationship's fragile existance....Today, we have admitted that we both loved each other but were not IN LOVE...Take this picture and put it in with a sad song, and you'll get a girl staring at an ending, a goodbye. "i just wish i met you later on in life" he said, and i felt the same way.No lie, i have loved him more than anyone in my life and i mean that. After all the time of trying to fix the knotts , we came to find that the rope ends where it began. We went to the park today with a matt, a pillow and a blanket... lying down together while in our minds, the things we have been thinking about-- us, school, and pretty much whats in store for the rest of our lives. Arroyo park, where he had asked me to be his, became the park where we finally both agreed that an "us" will not work out at this time of our lives...a possibility of later on? maybe? i dont know. We have digged a hole of adventures, happiness, sadness, love, and laughter--treasures...only to find that its purpose was to be slowly burried as our feelings slowly starts to deteriorate...I cant see him as my soul mate and neither can he. Its really more tragic to find that theres an agreement between lost feelings. Its a guaranteed 100% farewell...as someone youre in love becomes someone you USED to be in love with, but still loves in a a strange way...Everything does not matter now... the things that we got wrong, flaws, our problems and faults... Im focusing on cherishing every ounce of love and time we have left...

We decided stay together a little bit longer for the time being...but we both come to terms that this is one of those slow good byes. So here it is....im counting down...